The boy and I have been vacationing down in Metro DC for the past five days. (We've only got a couple left - boo, hiss.) It's nice to relax, of course, and we've had a lot of good food and drink and company already. We've also been to tour Gettysburg, gone through some Smithsonians, had an afternoon in Leesburg... All fun. All good.
I should sound more enthusiastic, but I woke up this morning with a sore throat and cramps, so I'm not exactly in love with my life at the moment.
Every time I'm down here visiting my family, I always find myself sinking into a preoccupation with my future and how to turn myself into the person I want to be. The stupid thing is that the things I am preoccupied with are materialistic and image-heavy. Like I want to present a more polished version of myself to the world - makeup and nice clothes and an impeccably clean apartment. I want to own nice things that make me happy to look at them. Or thinking about how much I should maintain a schedule of calling my relatives once a week, writing to my faraway friends once a month, getting together a list of things the boy and I should go and do before we get old or have kids.
I can do all these things. I keep trying. I keep doing them in half-measures. These days everyone is hung up on adult ADD and kids who can't concentrate enough to learn how to read, but I feel like I have life ADD. I can never finish the things I start. I need to find more of a sense of satisfaction in the END rather than the BEGINNING. How do I do this?
...last and final random thought relates to my perpetual love of music. New music. I need to listen to more. If I get with the program and start blogging more, I'll share more music too.
This whole post perfectly reflects the scattered mundanity of my thoughts these days. But you know? I love it. I love the mundane. I delight in my own mediocrity. Screw you, Salieri, you should be celebrating being on the sidelines. There's a lot less pressure.
Touring the Smithsonians is great. I could spend days doing it, friends in tow and notebook in hand.
ReplyDeleteMy advice for you--take some time to do things for _yourself_, without the boy. Travel, meet people, have experiences as an individual, and you will be amazed at how much easier it is to discover the answers for yourself. Then come back and be happier together.
ReplyDeleteRachel - I can relate to many things you have said in this post. Even with a house, dog, trying to start a family, I can admit to you I still have those feelings thinking I need to adjust who I am to what I am observing around me. This (from what I can tell) will never go away. You have made a life for yourself already to be quite proud of. And you are who you are for a reason. I have realized there is no need to impress, because what you have in the moment around you, is who you really are, and everyone loves you just the same! I too can relate to the keeping in touch with relatives thing. As Nana and Pep age, I always think I could be there more, but we do what we can do with the time we have. You are doing wonderfully, hang in there :) I have these days often...
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