NaNoWriMo and ALB

Anyone who knows me well these days knows that the month of November is largely dedicated to the crazy trip that is writing 50,000 words in 30 days.

This, along with the fact that I spent the majority of last month finding a place to live, furnishing it, and delving into the realm of real adulthood is why I haven't posted for nearly a month.

So a brief update is in order.

I have started my new job as an Inventory Arborist. I'm in training right now - but the job consists of surveying trees in the Worcester County area for signs of the Asian Long-Horned Beetle. As you may or may not know, this invasive beetle causes terrible damage to our native trees (maples in particular). The USDA has launched a huge effort to get this beetle under control here on the borders of rural New England before it can get away from us and invade our hardwood forests, causing untold numbers of dollars in economic damage - not to mention irreversible aesthetic damage. The ALB arrived in this area in 2008 and since then the government has cut down nearly 30,000 trees in an effort to eradicate it. The contractor I work for is responsible for closely monitoring and indicating where damage remains or is spreading.

Above: Damage caused by the ALB - perfectly round exit holes and chewed areas where the female lays her eggs in the tree.

Below: The adult Asian Long-Horned Beetle. 

Alert the USDA immediately if you notice any of these beetles in your area or see this sort of damage on your trees! www.mass.gov/agr -or- 1-866-702-9938

So I've got that going on. And it's going well. I love that I'm working a job where I feel like I'm making an actual difference in the world. Wish me luck cause my first USDA test (only get two chances to pass this thing) is this Friday!

National Novel Writing Month is the other thing dominating my life right now. I've got what I think is a fantastic story this year. Mortal Coils is about a family of witches living in an old New England town. Told through the eyes of Noah Macpherson, a male scion of the family, there is lots of family drama, the problems with growing up different from everyone else, and mysterious dreams that seem to be plaguing Noah and no one else. Did I mention that he falls in love with a girl who houses an angelic spirit determined to kill him and his entire family as demon worshipers? It's crazy stuff. I've fallen behind this week due to adjusting to new work schedule and other things like an all day Lord of the Rings extended edition marathon on Saturday. But I am catching up today. 

I hope. 

Hopefully more normal posting will soon resume - that way I can feel like I really have a life again.

Green Pieces

A little self-service here.

In addition to my mighty works of fiction and ramblings about life and its many complexities... I also keep a science blog. The purpose of it is to demystify many of the issues we face in science and nature. Most people love science when they're young and gradually become disillusioned by the jargon and the math when they go through school. But science is a wonderful realm of amazing things and I think everyone deserves to regain that love they had when they were kids.

In my blog, I cover many things - the ethics of our political decisions about the environment, current scientific research, the pure joy of watching nature at its finest... There are amusing and fascinating nature videos every Tuesday. And my current project (inspired by my new job) is an in-depth look at invasive species.

The blog can be found here: Green Pieces For Everyone

Connected

I seem to go through these periods of wanting to be in touch with everyone and everything alternating with periods where I withdraw from most of the world and put myself out there in very limited ways. Right now I'm going through a phase of sort of loving my social networks (both real and internety).

November is going to be the beginning of a brand new chapter in my life. Having my own apartment and a serious job outside of university studies is probably exciting for anyone - but I have never taken the time to imagine this sort of life for myself. I clearly remember as a child picturing my life as a teenager, wondering about high school and boys and what sorts of classes I would take. As a teenager, I dreamed of college. I longed for it. I laid out various dreams in the shape of different majors and settings and friend groups. But as a university student, I don't think I did much imagining for my own life. It was all about getting to the next class. The next semester. The next dorm. Part of that was because I stuck myself in a long distance relationship and pinned all of my hopes for the future on being with this person - even though I think I always knew that it couldn't work out that way.

Well, now I've graduated from school. I have a serious long-term relationship with someone that I'm not constantly stressing about in terms of future plans. (I think we can call this "being content in love." Mutual love is nice, I've found.) I was finally hired for a job that not only relates to my major, but will interest me, make me feel like I'm making some kind of difference, and give me the freedom of mind I need to keep my writing up. And I just signed the lease on my first apartment.

I guess I'm beginning to feel more like a citizen rather than the non-entity you are when you're a child. And I never really imagined how that would feel. Frankly, I'm so excited about 'beginning' my life that I want to constantly write about everything I'm doing. I find myself self-narrating more than ever. (Anyone else do that?) And thinking about writing some autobiographical non-fiction.

To start though, I think I'll just keep up with my blogs some more... Stay in touch with people on Facebook (go see The Social Network btw it was genius writing)... And tweet about my writing.

To life! As boring as it sounds, the mundane details are endlessly fascinating to me. I'm ready to explore more.

...***Please check out my science/nature blog: Green Pieces. In addition to posting more about myself :D I'm also going to be posting more about issues in science that should matter to everyone. Plus there's an awesome video featured every Tuesday!***...

BTT: Rewrite

If you could rewrite the ending of any book, which book would it be? And how would you change it?

I'm always afraid that when I get published people are going to cite my books in answer to this. 0.o

Honestly, the idea of rewriting book endings seems anathema to me. But I'm a writer, and also obsessed with the process of writing. Movie endings - sure. That I could easily answer (the entire Star Wars prequel series to name one).

In general, I suppose I'll just say that I am in favor of bittersweet endings. Happy endings are usually too convenient. Blatantly unhappy endings leave me feeling unsatisfied. But endings that combine both happiness and misery are my favorite. I feel drained - but in a good way.

New Favorite Word

New favorite word followed by old favorite video.

CORNOBBLE: to hit someone with a fish

Take it away, Monty Python.

Theme Songs

WARNING: This post has music coming out of every orifice.

I was browsing through the latest posts on this silly girly website I like to look at (The Frisky), and saw one where they were discussing their personal "theme songs." Which obviously got me to thinking. I create theme songs like it's my job. I have them for myself, my friends, my relationships, my novels, my characters, situations or time periods in my life... Pretty much everything.

So I thought I'd share a few. Because why the hell not? If you'd like specific explanations for why - then you'll have to comment and ask.

Theme Song for My Life: Sweetness Follows by R.E.M.



Theme Song from Last Summer: Lovegame by Lady Gaga



Theme Song for D: Take It Easy by the Eagles



Theme Song for M: Postcards from Italy by Beirut



Theme Song for Rising: One Day from Pirates of the Caribbean III



Theme Song for Ariana (from Face the Flames): I Know by Jude -- yeah, I've got ones for almost every character from this book.



Theme Song for A Hunter's Fire: Gold Dust Woman by Fleetwood Mac



Theme Song for Creatures of the Wind: Mystic's Dream by Loreena Mckennitt (also this music video is awesome and I don't even play WoW)



Theme Song for My Grandparents: Memories of You by Benny Goodman



Theme Song for My Father: Handel's Messiah



Theme Song for My Mother: The Offbeat of Avenues by the Manhattan Transfer



Theme Song for My Brother: Around the World by Daft Punk



And I'd like to know if other people do this or if I'm just insane like that.

Reading Meme

From Booking Through Thursday:

1. Favorite childhood book?
Probably Boy or The BFG by Roald Dahl.

2. What are you reading right now?
Lord of Chaos by Robert Jordan. I just finished The Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama too.

3. What books do you have on request at the library?
I don't have a library up here, boo.

4. Bad book habit?
Oh you name it. I dog-ear pages, leaving the spines broken, just generally abuse them. I think a loved book is a tattered one.

5. What do you currently have checked out at the library?
My last selection of checked out books were all Elizabeth Peters.

6. Do you have an e-reader?
No, and I don't want one until the technology improves.

7. Do you prefer to read one book at a time, or several at once?
I'm infamous for not only reading several books at once, but writing several at once.

8. Have your reading habits changed since starting a blog?
I think they changed when I started college. Less reading, more internet.

9. Least favorite book you read this year (so far?)
Wow, I don't generally read books I don't like... I really can't answer this.

10. Favorite book you’ve read this year?
The Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss.

11. How often do you read out of your comfort zone?
Not very. Though I sometimes go on kicks of this.

12. What is your reading comfort zone?
Well-done sci-fi/fantasy (read: not cliched schlock). An occasional bad romance. Literary fiction. Thriller mysteries that are all about the characters, not the story.

13. Can you read on the bus?
Not really. I get motion sickness.

14. Favorite place to read?
In bed - or curled up on the couch next to my boy.

15. What is your policy on book lending?
I'm pretty free with it.

16. Do you ever dog-ear books?
Do I ever. I'm better about it than I used to be, but if it's my book, forget it.

17. Do you ever write in the margins of your books?
D is constantly complaining about this.

18. Not even with text books?
...oh, but I do it in my regular books more.

19. What is your favorite language to read in?
English is the only one I comprehend enough.

20. What makes you love a book?
Compelling characters. Clever dialogue.

21. What will inspire you to recommend a book?
The above.

22. Favorite genre?
Used to be fantasy, now I'm just gonna say "well-written books".

23. Genre you rarely read (but wish you did?)
Mainstream fiction/chick lit.

24. Favorite biography?
I liked one of Jack London's I read as a kid. I bet I'd love Dreams of My Father.

25. Have you ever read a self-help book?
I browse through them occasionally.

26. Favorite cookbook?
My Better Homes and Gardens cookbook.

27. Most inspirational book you’ve read this year (fiction or non-fiction)?
The Lies of Locke Lamora by Scott Lynch - for the language and descriptions.

28. Favorite reading snack?
I eat whole meals while I read.

29. Name a case in which hype ruined your reading experience.
Twilight? I thought maybe I'd find something to like in it, but no. It was just dreck.

30. How often do you agree with critics about a book?
Critics are not my favorite people.

31. How do you feel about giving bad/negative reviews?
Honesty, dudes and dudettes.

32. If you could read in a foreign language, which language would you chose?
French. Or Russian. Possibly Arabic.

33. Most intimidating book you’ve ever read?
The Source by James Michner. I had to read it for 9th grade and it was so ... dull. But I made it through.

34. Most intimidating book you’re too nervous to begin?
Wuthering Heights. Weirdly. Because I think I'll love it too much.

35. Favorite Poet?
Theodore Roethke.

36. How many books do you usually have checked out of the library at any given time?
One or two.

37. How often have you returned book to the library unread?
Half the time. That's why I cut down to only checking out one or two.

38. Favorite fictional character?
Will from His Dark Materials (He's in The Subtle Knife and The Amber Spyglass)

39. Favorite fictional villain?
Petyr Baelish from A Song of Ice and Fire (especially in A Feast for Crows)

40. Books I’m most likely to bring on vacation?
Old fantasy favorites. Harry Potter, Wheel of Time, ASOIAF

41. The longest I’ve gone without reading.
Probably a month. Maybe two.

42. Name a book that you could/would not finish.
I didn't finish Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrel the first time. And I'm still not sure why.

43. What distracts you easily when you’re reading?
Other people in the room trying to talk/read to me.

44. Favorite film adaptation of a novel?
Lord of the Rings without a doubt.

45. Most disappointing film adaptation?
The Golden Compass.

46. The most money I’ve ever spent in the bookstore at one time?
Upwards of 60 bucks.

47. How often do you skim a book before reading it?
Not very. Though in a bookstore I always flip open the book and read a random page after I read the beginning just to make sure the writing doesn't go downhill.

48. What would cause you to stop reading a book half-way through?
Cliche plot. One dimensional characters. Something utterly ridiculous happening for no reason. BAD BAD writing (Stephenie Meyer, I am staring daggers at you.)

49. Do you like to keep your books organized?
I do this sometimes.

50. Do you prefer to keep books or give them away once you’ve read them?
Both.

51. Are there any books you’ve been avoiding?
Ish? Not really. I read what I want when I want.

52. Name a book that made you angry.
I've been angry with my WoT re-read because I see a lot of wasted potential.

53. A book you didn’t expect to like but did?
Janet Evanovich's One for the Money

54. A book that you expected to like but didn’t?
...Twilight. Before the biggest hype.

55. Favorite guilt-free, pleasure reading?
Romance schlock. Whee.

Themes

I've noticed some trends in my writing lately. Have been re-reading a lot of my old stuff. So I'm just going to list some of them here for future reference. I'd be very interested in hearing fellow writers' lists, or even just random opinion on why these seem to be my themes. I haven't had enough reflection time to answer that last one.

BETRAYAL. Boy, am I fond of that. There is at least one instance of this in almost everything I have ever written.



COMING OF AGE. Sort of a typical thing to write about when you're young yourself.



TRAGIC ROMANCES. Le sigh. I love them so.




More as I think of them.

We, soldiers of a different sort -

“We, Soldiers of a different sort,
We, wasters of ink and page,
We, warriors of words,
Masters of melancholy,
Harlots of the pen,
We bleed these volumes,
and expect only absolution.”
- Jarvis Black

Writing has been going... and going. I made an executive decision to get virtual TTT sessions going. TTT, for those not in the know, is a writing group that a few of us began back when I was a junior. The acronym stands for Triumvirate of Tea and Toast as we were originally a threesome who would get together in my kitchen, drink tea, and make extravagant toasts to our own greatness. Really it was a chance for us to get together and commiserate, read, and edit each other's work. Often it devolved into the sharing of internet memes and occasionally insane giggling fits induced by too many pixie stix. (I bought a ginormous package of them for NaNo that year, and they carried through for much of the year.)

The year after its inception, TTT gained some distinction. We assigned T-words to describe our different writing styles (Terror, Tragedy, and Tra La La - guess which one is mine?). We created ourselves a banner that hung proudly in my room and living room for two years, and which caused some grief when I left Worcester and had to leave it with the other two original members.

(Preserved forever in photographic form. Our Ts are all supposed to correspond to their meaning.)

This past year, we incorporated another person (unfortunately he's still T-less, but we did say he could be the floating tea pot above my head on the poster). And last semester all four of us blazed our way through National Novel Writing Month together because we are awesome like that. So it was a little sad this year with our newest member and me both moving away from Worcester. Terror and Tra La La will fortunately be living together for their final undergraduate year. But due to this minor diaspora, we decreed that having virtual TTT sessions was a must.

I've decided to commit myself to getting through the final edits for Wings of Destiny, my 2008 NaNo of paranormal romance genre proportions. Via virtual TTT this means getting an edit from my fellow writers for a chapter each week. This also means that I have to personally edit a chapter a week. Good kick in my butt, I'd say. I'm excited about this because I think it's going to be a lot like what William Tapply's Writing the Novel and Advanced Fiction Writing classes were (minus his awesome read-aloud of our work).

So I've got that going.

Face the Flames is still forging ahead. Slowly but surely. Chapter 8 is gonna be done in the next few weeks. And then there's only one more chapter in part one! Part Two is gonna be a hellacious ride, so I'm itching to get to it. Plus Terror and Tra La La make special guest appearances beginning in chapter 9. Whee.

And then there's the short story I signed up to write for Fantasy Big Bang.


Author Sign Ups | Artist Sign Ups
Come and join us at the
I'm writing a prequel to Creatures of the Wind, a novel of mine that is almost as old as Face the Flames. Yow. More about that as I write it.

That's where things stand in my writing world. Now if I could just get a job...

(No real reason for this other than my thinking that every writer should have a cat. This is Callie, my grandparents' calico. She's a sweetheart and absolutely loves to walk across my keyboard whenever I'm typing. ... of course, I have a quote for this.)

"A catless writer is almost inconcievable. It's a perverse taste, really, since it would be easier to write with a herd of buffalo in the room than even one cat; they make nests in the notes and bite the end of the pen and walk on the typewriter keys."
- Barbara Holland

BTT: First Time

What is the first book you remember reading? What about the first that made you really love reading?

If I had a memory THAT good, I would have been a lot better at organic chemistry!

Some of the first books I remember reading and re-reading and re-re-reading were the Little Critter books. I recall one particular instance of showing off my read aloud skills to my cousin. I read "the cat lies in the sun" and he made fun of me by asking how the cat could possibly lie on the sun - isn't zillions of degrees?

We had a library of Scholastic books of all levels and I tore my way through all of them (several times). When I got to chapter books, I read my Judy Blume so many times that I actually corrected a babysitter who was reading them to me when she said the wrong word.


Lucky for me that love of reading runs in my family and no one ever thought this was weird. It wasn't until I got to (roughly) middle school that the other kids started being weirded out / astonished that I went through several books in the course of a week!

Booking Through Thursday

I love reading the questions and answers over at Booking Through Thursday, so I thought I'd start participating in them. (Good incentive to keep my reading list active.. Not that I need incentive, but I need new places to find more books to read.)

So today's question is: Which fictional character (or group of characters) would you like to spend a day at the beach with? Why would he/she/they make good beach buddies?

I'm tempted to answer this by nominating either the Gentlemen Bastards of The Lies of Locke Lamora by Scott Lynch OR Kvothe from The Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss. They're the two best books I've read recently. The Gentlemen Bastards would be hilarious fun to hang out with and we'd probably get up to some ridiculous hijinks on a crowded beach (which would be a great way to pass time as I hate crowded beaches.) But if it was a pretty lonely beach, I'd rather spend it with Kvothe. He's clever and funny and a musician besides. Only thing that makes a day at the beach better is sharing it with someone who can turn it into a mystical experience....

No choices.

I feel like a child saying this, but none of this seems fair. All of the choices left to me are non-choices forced upon me by my situation.

I hate that I'm a more-than-competent worker but can't get hired because nobody knows me. Because I have no "real world" experience. Because the economy is hurting.

I hate that I have to have money to live where I want and be with my SO.

I hate that I can't do what I want for a living because it's not a "stable" job. Or a well-paying one at first. Or ever. Potentially.

I don't like that I don't get these choices.

It's bad enough that I think doing 5th year was a horrible idea for me. I wasn't ready. I don't care about it. I regret the hell out of deciding to do it. And in the end, I don't think I'm going to be worthy of the piece of paper I'll get out of it.

I just feel like anything that matters to me as a person doesn't matter to the rest of the world I live in. That you just have to bullshit your way through life and you can't ever be really happy, you just have to find happiness where people will LET you. That's pretty ridiculous, but that's how I'm feeling right now in this angry and probably immature moment.

I don't want to just exist in the system. Especially when it seems so flawed.

This Emotional Life

"For the INTP, emotions are seen as something mysterious and as uncontrollable as they are unalterable. Hence, the root of the fear of emotions is the fear that they cannot be controlled. Hence, when an INTP does finally respond emotionally to something, his emotions are indeed left uncontrolled, raw and open. However, when witnessing the emotional response of another person, the INTP intensely resists any similar emotion of his own. An example of this is when watching a 'weepy' cinema film in which some heart-wrenching scene is being shown. The INTP despises the attempt by the filmmaker to influence his emotions and is more likely to sneer than cry."

True. However -

"When an INTP female's feeling side does surface, it often does so with an intensity, an outpouring that can be frightening to both herself and others."

An ominous storm is brewing...

I am sitting in the Academic Commons watching the rain pour down. This place has immense windows, so it's a bit like being underwater... Just sheets and sheets of it coming down from the sky. The thunder is rolling fairly constantly. Lightning keeps flashing in the corner of my eye. A little while ago, there was an announcement that there are multiple thunderstorm warnings and a tornado watch here in Worcester. The announcer said "If you have a safe place to go, I would go there."

Ha! Josh and I are sitting here editing and writing because the AC is an oasis of quiet and non-distraction. The weather simply makes it better in my opinion. Now I can't leave unless I want to get soaked. Write, the world says to me, write! Precipitation makes for wonderful writing weather.

I've decided to implement an interesting technique someone mentioned on the Absolute Write forums for getting solid writing down every day. I've made Write Or Die my home page, Every time I open my web browser, I am requiring myself to write for ten minutes before doing anything else. Hopefully this will jump start my goal of finishing a chapter of Face the Flames every week until I get the first draft (all 36 monstrous chapters of it) done.

Imagination

“There are few things, apparently, more helpful to a writer than having once been a weird little kid.”

- Katherine Paterson

Me at 7 in one of my favorite places in the world - Point Lobos, CA

I started writing stories at the age of nine or so and haven't stopped since. I don't remember ever making the conscious decision to become a writer; it just became a natural part of my life. This was probably related to my heavy reading addiction; my parents read to me constantly when I was young, and I picked up the skill easily once I got to school. As much as I am always writing, I am also always reading. Usually several books. (Maybe that's why I can't focus on writing one novel at a time either?)

So there's the reading habit (which my brother and I naturally inherited from our very literate parents) which undoubtedly contributed to my becoming a writer. But there's also the fact that I never stopped living in the land of make believe and imagination. All kids know this land. I think I was just slower to outgrow it. Sometimes I feel like I never left it behind at all.

My younger brother and I grew up Army Brats and never lived in any neighborhood longer than two years until we were in high school. It follows that we became close friends, often the only companion we could rely on in a new place. Because we both had such wild imaginations, we began to build worlds of imaginary games for use in any situation. Outside, in the house, on the playground, during long car rides, on the way to school in the mornings... We had a game for every situation. Toys are material things that break and get lost. Friends move or are left behind. Imaginary worlds built between siblings? They last forever.

We were Californian bandits in the mountains who discovered a tappable source of superpowers. We flew as dragons across vast ice fields. We traveled the Oregon Trail. We built and lived in monasteries where the inhabitants were anything but celibate. We became animals dependent on the annual salmon run. We lived through floods and earthquakes and hurricanes. We performed on television. We worshiped a pantheon of animal gods and carved our weapons to keep us safe from mercenaries. We gathered food as native Americans. We lived as slaves. We got cholera and recovered. We wielded lightsabers and pokeballs with equal vehemence. We played out epic and twisted romances.

I'd been creating characters forever when I finally began to write some of them down. Soon I'd meet other friends who were doing the same thing and we'd begin to write together, feeding off each other's wild creativity to create some truly wonderful worlds and people.

And now it's to the point where I can't think of how to be happy unless this is the primary purpose in my life.

Incessantly Needing To Ponder

I find most people of college-age have heard of the Meyers-Briggs test at some point in their life. (If not, JFGI.) I became fascinated with this bit of statistic-ry foolishness back when I was a first year university student. To the surprise of no one who knows me, I tested then, and still test now, as an INTP.

Introverted iNtutive Thinking Percieving.

Basically, this means that I really suck at maintaining social relationships (because I don't do well with emotion, but also because I simply don't care much of the time and can't really be bothered). I am analytical to a fault about almost everything in my life. I have an idiosyncratic sense of humor. Once decided, I fall swiftly and irrevocably in love - and expect my partner to put up with various oddities to boot. Competency takes precedence to repeated experience in a subject. And stupidity in others is not only sneered at, but openly mocked and prodded with what I'm sure most people would see as a measure of arrogance abnormal to decent society.

Whee! Okay, so I have exaggerated faults and deficiencies. We're all unique and wonderful snowflakes, blah blah. INTP profiles really do describe me quite well, however, and I often find myself taking shelter in their conclusions when I feel guilty and/or ashamed of something I've done in relation to other people. I only wanted to bring this up now, because I'm sure it's something I'm going to reference a lot in an attempt to explain why I do the things I do. (And this is a habit I indulge often due to my analytical nature.)

This probably helps explain why I have a need to constantly jot down my random thoughts. And my smirks and cocked eyebrows when people take pictures of me.

Really I don't think of myself as arrogant at all. Elitist to a fault, sure. Most of that is the product of my excellent childhood and education from my parents. I am an incredibly self-confident individual, and make no apologies for it. Most of the time I find it difficult to understand why other people aren't on the same level when it comes to assurance in themselves. When I get taken down a peg though, it sure smarts. Heh.

This is just a post I've been meaning to put up for awhile. There will be more notes about it later.

The Purpose of Science is to Inform.

This will be an interesting follow-up to my last post. Despite my whining and groaning about grad school and all of that, I do actually care somewhat about the subject matter I am studying. Out of all of the genres of academia I could have chosen, I picked biology -- not only as something I feel deeply about, but also because I could (can? I'm not sure anymore) picture it as the dominant force in my working life.

Quick Preface: I did not take any real classes last semester. At the time, it was probably a good decision. I'm not sure I would've benefited from anything in the course listings last fall. However, this semester I decided I need even just a tiny bit of structure and signed up for a once-a-week seminar in issues facing forest ecology. We're coming up on our third week of real class discussions, and I have been struck by some of the things we keep circling back on. These are issues facing all scientists... and laymen. My class is rather small, 2-3 each of seniors, graduate students, and PhD students (as well as our professor), and whenever we talk about land management and the ethics involved, it is quite apparent that none of us really knows how to handle things. Specifically.

The title of this blog is something my professor said. I mostly agree with him. When a scientist lays out the facts colored by his/her opinion, how is the layman supposed to interpret? The primary purpose of science should be to find the facts such as they are and report them. If opinion and personal ethics get involved, results tend to be clouded. Objectivity is key. As Richard Feynman said, "...the idea is to try and give all of the information to help others to judge the value of your contribution; not just the information that leads to judgement in one particular direction or another."

In this vein, I am particularly interested in what the non-scientist thinks of nature and how we as humans should manage it. Science can point us only so far. What we are actually willing to commit to in terms of politics and management is up to society and society's values.

Thoughts or ideas? I would really like to know what laymen and other scientists think. I've gotten a few opinions so far and I think I know a few issues that should be addressed (namely the differences between conservation and preservation, why there's been a focus on charismatic megafauna, why things like wildfires in CA happen...). I'll do individual posts for each subject I can think of to discuss and clarify.

Grad School.

I have come to a rather large conclusion in the past three weeks: I Do Not Like Grad School.

And I have a long list of reasons why. Call it venting or ranting, but I am going to term this post as a bit of Life Reflection. I have considered getting my so-called 'priorities' in order for awhile now, and writing some of these thoughts down might help steer me in that direction. At the very least, I will feel better for having straightened things out, filtered them out of my head, and putting them out there for others to use as evidence against me.

When I was a junior undergraduate student, the idea of graduate school seemed like anathema to me. I was having a horrible year (despite getting fantastic grades) riddled with clinical depression, social interaction issues, and a strong feeling that I would never be able to live the sort of life I really wanted. In short, I was having that college life crisis that seems to happen to many of us when we hit second semester of senior year and realize that life outside of academia is about to hit us hard.

It was during this time, that an adviser told me to apply to our school accelerated BA/MA program. Admittedly, when I was accepted to this school as an undergraduate, the 5th year program was a huge draw for me. If your grades are good enough, you are allowed to complete a MA degree in a fifth year after senior year tuition free. Pretty good deal. When junior year hit, I was no longer seriously contemplating it because I figured out that research science was not my cup of tea. All I wanted to do was write novels. My adviser, however, told me to send in the prelim application - just in case. And then she catered to my interests and set me up on a course for completing said MA by concentrating on science writing rather than research. Color me happy and sight more likely to complete the full application for 5th year. Which of course I did. And here I am. A 5th year MA student.

And now I come back to the conclusion that I had a junior. Graduate school is not making me happy because it's not something I really want. The work I am doing is not very important to me, nor something that I am really very interested in. As an idea, I like it. In practice, it's not enough to excite my passions and drive me forward. I knew two years ago that it would be difficult for me to complete a degree like this - because it requires you to know what you want, or at least to know how to operate under the self-hypnotizing lie that you are doing what you want.

The problem then, as now, is I do Know What I Want. I want to write! I am a writer. A novelist. This is what I want to do all the time. I don't want to solve the world's problems. I don't want to draft letters to Congress telling them why they don't understand the scientific things they claim they do. I don't even particularly want a day job that involves hobbies I am fond of... photography, hiking, traveling. If anything, I would want a boring day job where I rarely had to think -- so I could spend my time thinking about writing which is what I would really be concentrating on anyway.

Since I've officially become a graduate student, I've also experienced what I would consider some significant changes to my daily life. For the first time in my life -- I own a car, I cook for myself every day, I have a significant other that I spend the vast majority of my time with, I do not have an amount of money that I can know is just There... I've been a bit hung up on these changes and trying to assimilate them into my life. Deservedly so, I would say. Perhaps some would disagree with me, but it has been difficult for me trying to figure out out to balance my social interactions with personal maintenance with work. I probably need to compartmentalize more, but the significant other thing? Yeah, that's made me happier than I've been.. probably since I was about ten years old. So I've been reluctant to be serious about other serious things simply because of that one serious thing. My bad.

I feel that it is disappointing to learn that what I really want out of life is simple -- I want to love, be loved, and to do what I am truly passionate about. And all of these are such simple things. If I could go back in time and tell my sixteen year old self this, she might have laughed at me. Well, my eleven year old self certainly would have. My sixteen year old self might have given me a cynical smile and called me an idiot for not realizing this sooner.

At any rate, I have come to the not so minor decision that my life is essentially directionless and directed in about a hundred different directions all at once. It's discomfiting and exhilarating in a way that I am really not prepared for. I doubt anyone is ever really prepared for their life decisions. You just deal with them as they come.