It's funny the things we draw from our favorite forms of entertainment. My current obsession is Star Trek Voyager. I'm in the later seasons now, and many episodes are dark and often a bit disturbing. If you know anything about me, you know that I love this. Melodrama and tragedy and characters who seek above all to retain their integrity when all odds are stacked against them - these are my favorite stories.
"Why do the stars make such a noise? Let me sleep!"
I'm watching an episode right now in which Voyager enters a portion of "chaotic space" where none of the normal rules of space travel apply and they cannot find a way out. Commander Chakotay starts hallucinating both noises and images. Eventually the Doctor figures out that aliens are trying to communicate with him, to tell him something about chaotic space and perhaps how to get out of it. He tries to convince Chakotay to give in to the hallucinations and allow himself to communicate with the aliens. Chakotay is completely overwhelmed by the voices, by visions that are illogical and disjointed. After much cajoling by the doctor and the captain, he gives in to the hallucinations. He finds himself in a vision of spiraling chaos where members of the crew echo back all of his fears at him, the voices are telling him he's crazy, that he'll wind up insane, that he's terrible at his job and ignores his duties... He is overwhelmed by both guilt and the desire to overcome all of this and do what is right.
This is a science fiction tv show that I enjoy watching because it often reflects the best and worst parts of the human condition in a universe many of us probably view as a utopian future for our planet. It's realistic and idealistic all at once.
The weird thing is episodes like this, where I can't even see the fiction any more. What Chakotay goes through in this episodes feels like a slightly dramatized version of what I feel like during attacks of anxiety and depression. I had such an attack yesterday, so perhaps that's why I feel so strongly affected by this tv show right now. Long story short, a cascade of bad things happened to me yesterday and when faced with an important decision after these things happened, I found myself paralyzed by anxiety. It took Dylan talking me through every choice facing me in a calm manner for me to finally choose a direction to go, and even then I didn't feel okay until nearly two hours after I made the decision.
I call it an attack although I don't think it qualifies as a traditional anxiety attack. It starts when one or two things happen that are disappointing or make me angry. When these things happen one on top of another like this, it starts to build like pressure with no escape valve. I lose my ability to deal with them rationally. I can think about them rationally, but it becomes increasingly difficult to act rationally. Eventually I find myself on the verge of blowing up or breaking down. Yesterday it ended up being a break down.
On Voyager, Chakotay refers to his grandfather who refused to take medication for his genetic disposition to hallucinate. Instead, he says he has "a spirit in pain" and views the hallucinations as a natural phenomenon that he must deal with as they come. As stupid as it is (and I do recognize that it is stupid), I sometimes feel the same way about my "attacks." They are a part of who I am, and, although I loathe them and my inability to drag myself out of them through sheer willpower, I usually feel that they are my due. Christians sometimes talk about unfortunate circumstances being their Cross to bear? I guess that's how I often feel about my anxiety/depression. I do know that I should seek out professional help for this (and I have in the past) and that a course of drugs could go a long way toward eliminating this problem from my life. Sometimes I want this so badly it hurts.
Sometimes I just think I have a spirit in pain.
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